Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
