Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
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