i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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