If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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