That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
