she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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