It's chlamydia! Thank God!
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
