It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
