So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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