I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Sext me about skeletons
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
