OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
