Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
