We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
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