It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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