masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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