Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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