I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
