On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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