OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
