i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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