youre lurking in front of me
he puts the penis in happiness.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
