the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
