I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
