tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
