Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
