so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
