How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
