had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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