____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
