Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
