apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
