"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
