i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
