Buhtt sex?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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