420 ftw
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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