Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
