Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
