Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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