im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
