I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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