there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
