Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
