While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
