when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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