Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
