I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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