operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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