hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
