i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
