i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
