i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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