Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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