We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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