She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
